thechrisgethardshow:

Question: When do I tell my Jewish son or daughter that Santa is fake?

Great question! Telling a child that Santa Claus is not real is a very tricky thing; timing and tone are of the utmost importance.  Children do not like being lied to, which is why most children cry and become quite agitated when learning the truth.  Luckily your child is Jewish.  Telling a Jewish child that Santa is fake is a beautiful moment that every Jewish family gets to experience.  So my first piece of advice is to breathe and relax!  What a joyous day! Mazel Tov! This is truly a Goymitzvah, a day where we get to celebrate Gentile nonsense. 

Ah, but I’m sure this is all old news to you.  The question is when is the right time. The average Gentile learns the truth about Santa anywhere from 7-11 years of age.  It is important you tell your Jewish child before this time!  I would recommend having the conversation between the ages of 5-7.  If the child is told too early, they won’t understand the full impact of what they’re learning.  On the other hand, if the child is told too late, they will lose the opportunity of telling all of their Gentile friends at school.  I should mention that not every child is going to choose to tell their friends the truth.  When I learned about Santa, I kept it to myself while silently judging all of my friends.  For me, this built confidence and a rock solid passive aggressive muscle that I now flex with great ease.

How you tell the child is also very important.  I recommend keeping the mood light.  After all, remember this is a joyous day!  Start the conversation with the phrase “Get a load of this!”  This is a great bonding moment for child and parent.

One last pointer, if your child asks “Does that mean Elijah isn’t real either?” a good response is “Elijah is a man who goes around from house to house drinking wine when you’re not looking.  If he isn’t real than neither is your uncle Mort.”  

I broke up with my first girlfriend over AOL Instant Messenger. I quickly learned from her friends that doing so was “like, so not okay.” Since then, I’ve never understood the reasons why it’s bad; after all, its easier than doing it in person. What I have understood though is that it is bad and I should never do it again. While some might view me as cowardly and delusional, I would argue I am logical and strategic.

Unfortunately for us logically strategic realists, society has continued to frown upon the internet breakup. Yet for some inexplicable reason, it has become increasingly easier to do the online breakup. The online social media boom aside, the sheer existence of high speed internet has made the instant message a millionth of a microsecond more instant… thats a millionth of a microsecond longer to enjoy the freedom of bachelor hood.

Twitter: “yo @susan its best if we dont see each other anymore since I no longer have feelings for you. I think you are great and I think any guy wou”

Facebook: With Facebook you can simply change the relationship status. Or write on her wall. Or start a group called “Girls not dating Noah anymore.” Or make an event entitled “We are no longer an item” and schedule it for right now.

Flickr: I am pretty sure nobody has ever said “Dude, you can’t break up with her over flickr, that’s really messed up!” That’s because most people think it makes no sense. Let’s not forget that a picture is worth a thousand words, so nobody can accuse you of not being thoughtful. Very strategic.

YouTube: Record yourself explaining why you need your personal space while compulsively farting. If your breakup goes viral you can make money selling ad space.

4Square: Honestly, if you’re on 4Square, you probably don’t have a girlfriend.

Of course you can always start a blog and write a post about different ways to break up on the internet. And then end with something like “It’s over Susan.” Seriously though, it’s over.

It is a well known fact that men think about sex every 7 seconds.　 What is probably less well know is that Jewish men think about Hitler once every 810 seconds (coincidently a multiple of 18).  That means that every 115.7 times a Jewish man thinks about sex, he also has one thought about Hitler. Usually these thoughts happen independently of each other, but every now and then these thoughts sync up and occur at the same moment.　 This is referred to in Jewish culture as a “Shtupnführer.”

The Shtupnführer can often be intense and quite confusing for Jewish men.

Teens with raging hormones running around giggling and kissing each other uncontrollably while having complete disregard for hygiene and the inevitable spread of infectious disease.  This is how mono happens.

Mono serves as a warning to these young arrogant children that their actions have consequences.  Since they just love to stick their tongues in every open mouth they come across, these stupid teens don’t see how there could be any potential problems.  Luckily for the ignorant bastard teens, mono is there to warn them of the dangers of physical contact before the more serious sexual acts begin to take place.  Bottom line: one month out with mono and you will surely want to avoid syphilis.

While everything I just said is factual, there is still a problem.  Sometimes people get mono right before they turn 25.  These people don’t get to miss a few weeks of school but rather don’t receive a paycheck.  They cant do any physical activity because of the risk of spleen rupture and cant drink the precious whiskey that helps with the boredom of everyday mundane life.  Basically life is unfair and had I gotten syphilis, I would not have cared about mono.

Fun facts about mono:
- It is a type of herpes.
- The night sweats can be so bad you might start crying.
- The number one complication is a ruptured spleen.
- You urinate a lot.
- Getting up and going to the bathroom makes you feel like you’re dying.
- You will be constipated for five days and then suddenly have an intense flow of diarrhea. The pain from this will also resemble the feeling of dying.

Other things that might make you cry or feel like you’re dying:
- Sleeping
- Food
- Lack of sleep
- The show “Seconds from Disaster”

So what have I ACTUALLY learned from this experience?
Absolutely nothing.  Who wants some mono?

There is no shortage of people in the world who could be considered complete assholes.  Although there are many, each one is special and unique in their own way.  If one were to pick an asshole at random and do an in-depth study of how that person came to be an asshole, it would most certainly yield fascinating results.  Some would surly reveal broader issues such as overly aggressive parenting or childhood neglect, while others may have suffered more specific traumatic moments at key developmental points of their childhood.  It is even likely that someone who could be considered an asshole has suffered a mixture of these things, making each asshole as rich and unique as a fine wine or a rich molded cheese.  By peering into a person’s past and studying minute details of their experiences, we can unlock the origin of their present day unpleasant personality.

And then there are assholes that need no further study or review.  Take Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner for example, whose last name is clearly pronounced “boner” and not “Bay-ner.”  No further study needed.